"Life in cue, on borrowed air"

....(the sound of an old tape recorder, activated by the press of it's 'play' and 'Rec' buttons...and i begin to speak....)

"So it all began!!! like the press of a button!!....naturally ordained...

My adolescent life, filled with great confusion and mishaps! left me in a boggled state!! Yet through all this chaos...my features occurred! Rapidly changing, and causing major happenings.

i was told during this era in my life, that i was going to cause women to wonder why is it they like me so much!!!....the curse was delivered!

Ever since, I've witnessed the 'hither and thither' of women in my life...some slowly...some rapidly...but one thing was invariable...their willingness to 'wait'...

Now this phenomenon always fascinated me! I always thought that even in the wildest dreams of a young boy, these 'pauses' as i call them wouldn't have been real...i used to brag and boast at the fact that i were the current topic of many young, admirable, prominent ladies...with a few 'un-amibitious' ones sprinkled in the mix.

I was the envy of many boys my age group, and even questioned and studied by older ones! But no one told me that this seeming 'glory' would have a bitter back lash.

I've grown to study people, study their behaviors, study their norms...and since then I've grown a SUPER judgmental streak .

Even before you talk to me or approach me, i place you at level 1, which is...there is between 75-100% chance that you'd like me, and you'd be attached to me because of my:

1) Behavior
2) Speech
3) Ambition
4) Charm &
5) Looks...

Note: I placed looks last, because i have proven that once i have a beautiful mind, my facial features don't matter.

SO...i've figure that out over the years, moving from teenager to young adult! and boy did i have fun!!...I've paused so many lives, damaged a few, practically changed some courses of histroy, just because of my mere presence. And why does this happen...!? when you get the answer... let me know!

Let me tell you the truth...young men like me, are the most dangerous kind in the male specie. We are very adaptable...attention givers...and very friendly...'users' if you like! But! you'd think that i'd use this to my advantage!...i did...and i didn't like the result!

I have looked into the eyes of the most pretty, confident, talented young women, and damaged them mentally, by playing with their minds...some of you may read this and think..."This bastard must have some nerve...thinking he's damaged me someway or the other!" Reality check!!...I HAVE, whether you like it or not. I've either changed or created some part of you, most times I've created, some monsters some leaders, some bitches, some activists! Most times it wasn't intentional!! But some of you needed a fix!!

What do i mean by pausing a life!? I mean, giving false hope to anyone that would listen to your wolf cries! Giving ear to a person that just wants an ear, but in the process looks deeper than you; just accommodating them for the time being! Adding fuel to a dying fire, and they see you as a savior in their time of trouble!

...The cycle is continuous!! Women come...women go, some as tricksters, some as lovers, some as friends but you turn them into rag dolls, some as mere contacts but you draw them close to you for no particular reason...By the time your done with the emotional roller coaster...you would never know what true love means...yea i know, kinda messed up specie...

SELF DESTRUCT! I cling, knowing that it is NOT going to be real, but you have every false intention to yourself that you're goin' to make it work...then I get involved, deeper and deeper, thinking that I'M changing, but deep, deep down inside, I know for a fact that I'm plainly being the patient black widow, wanting for the right time to strike! To render my prey helpless, in my web of deceit and flowery dreams, to take something from them that i want!! and paralyze them...making them dependent on MY borrowed air!!

WOW!... "why don't we hook up" they say, "i'd do anything for you!" "we would make it!" "I'd love to bare your children!" they cry, "i would never love another, the way i love you!"...

...click!...another life in pause...another life in cue...because of the unforgettable impression, they wait for you! believing that all will be just as they left it! and i would return to simply 'play' the record of a never ending bliss...

...Sounds like a fairytale...doesn't it!

I weep within many a day, wishing that i had never met some of these 'victims' of my leech-ism...i believe that some of these people could have plain done without me making that 'branding' impression on their lives...but all i can do is weep...weep and pray...that one day, they would wake up out of that daze & smell reality! that one day, they would read right through my facade...and send me back to where i came from... that one day they would break forth from my kiss of dream and live in real time

That way, i would begin introspection & reformation of my true self...

You see, during my studies of human behavior, I've realized; once a habit is encouraged, isn't it going to be harder to break! So in this instance, once i keep collecting victims for my cunning traps, wouldn't it be harder to resist!?

Truly a dilemma...solution..."Operation RUN-SNOB"

I've developed this failsafe plan, that can either run me into some 'fat lips' or the woman that was meant for me...i do pray it's the latter.

Be mean, maintain the strong mask, so no feelings, become as naive to the opposites sex & their obvious feelings for you...

If they stick around, watch them closer, and be even harder, if they stick around after that...it's either one of 2 things...
1) They have a copy of this blog in their back pocket
2) They must really like you!

But, truth added to truth, "How can one love another, if he in himself has not found love!?"

So my advise...don't listen to what i say! don't like my charm, don't like my speech, don't like my whit, my ambition, my goals...help me find my love...my first love...help me find..."ME!" Because, like you, both our lives would remind "in cue" if we don't first "play" ourselves.

(reaches over...stops the recording...sighs...thinking to myself...)
"this tape would only be heard by the one that deserves to hear!"

From the lips of the playful kissers, of lustful wants (K)

1 MAN...CAN!!

I almost forgot what today was like, until i nearly fainted tonight!!! Been having some dizzy spells lately...i really don't know why!? But funny enough, i return to the state that i woke up in...Half dead!!!

...awake my mind, asleep my body...bouncing off the walls of my cranium are my running thoughts; like track and field practice; what better way to know if your doing good, but by doing laps...

So off they went, 6:30 this morning! but as my mind went Jericho's route; my body fell further away...
Bad! like a hang over...but i didn't drink...i didn't smoke...i was normal!!! why would i feel like this!?

This messed with my mental the entire day!! even as i went through the day, disappointments stacked on disappointments..."ol house, pun ol house" my fore-fathers would of said...
"Why is this happening? why am i feeling this way?"

I had to meet with a client...that was another disappointment...i don't even want to go into that...
So in essence, i really just wanted the entire day to just go back where it came from...

"Oh shit!...i have the 'thing' to go to in Georgetown(another village on the windward side of the island...like 1hr:15mins from town!!) Man!! i don't want to go to that!..." In the midst of picking up the phone to cancel the meeting...i pause!! look around me...and started to get clothes to go...

So i pick up a white shirt that needed ironing...as i attempt to...the iron sticks to the shirt...holding it tight enough to burn it..."What the hell! arghhhh.... why is this happening!?...."

I pick up the phone again to cancel...but yet again...i pause!!... for what!? i look around me...and i proceeded to the chest of draws in my room, grabbed a crushed t-shirt...and left the house...

By this time, i didn't give a hoot as to how i looked, smelt or walked!! I stormed out, to get to this 'meeting'

Now if that wasn't enough to get me down and give up for the day!...the bus ride, was one filled with trouble!! Strange noises, arrogant people, constant off -route stops..."perfect! this couldn't be a better day"

Anyway, i finally get there...5 on the dot!...meet with the guy that I'm supposed to meet with, to take me to the real meeting!!

"Mr Jackman!" in his island countryside accent "the room that we normally meet in is locked! we may have to meet outside, if that's ok with you?" Great, i thought to myself...this just keeps getting better!!..."yea man! no problem...anything would work!" with the plastic smile on my face...

"Good!" he said "I coming back"

5....10....15!....20....30!!....35mins....he returns...."Mr Jackman...i don't know why these people haven't showed up! they set the time, but they ain't come!! i don't know why!!"

The only thing that was missing was my cross and nails...because i had surely been up for the kill of my spirit today!!!

But! just when i was about to blow my top...he calls out to another guy across the street..."Dick-I! com nah!!...

I looked across and behold...a crazy looking tall, dark, sweaty Rastaman, with sweets and mints in a bag, his 'ice, gold and green holey vest...with sandals to match! and his 'tom' to complete the outfit.

"this is Mr. Jackman, he came today to talk to you guys about the video thing..." said Mr. Green

"Respect!" replies the proud but shy Ras..."ok! nice to meet you!; sticks out his fist to be bounced, as he sits down on the stone steps of the compound.

"This!...this is who i came to meet today!! a bunch of 'has beens' and 'i wishers' that don't even look like they would last a day in a studio...even if you gave them a manual!!" i said to myself, bouncing him back; with a silent response.

"You can ask him any questions you have Dick-I" says Mr. Green...
So Dick-I got to talking, and i got to talking, then he got to listening...and i got to more talking...then i got to listening...then he got.... You get the drift....

Then it happened! i finally woke up! i woke up, from the pits of despair, and discouragement and opened my eyes to see....

"Life is at most complete, when you live it for the betterment of others!! You go through what you go through, for someone not to go through it!! you wake up and live, so that someone else doesn't roll up and die!! You walk the roads, wearing your scars and cuts, so that another warrior can see what they are getting them selves into!!"

I thought a man today!! one man!! not to give up on his dream, not to stop doing what he know he was called and gifted to do!! 1 man!!! ONE MAN!!!

That one man!! if not called by another man, could of continued to walk his merry way, and not live to see the day his dreams would've been fulfilled...

That made my day!! it made up for all the disappointments and all the aches, and all the frustration!!

"I'll gladly do it again God...but make me stronger for the heavier challenges and trails...because i know they will come again! especially if i want to do it again!!"

"I've pressed on... as simple as it may look, i changed history in some big, yet small way!!...

YOU CAN TOO!"

Hilly thinkin'

The wind of pain, passed through the strands of my hair today! Blowing ever so heavily; almost cracking my skull with its trail! Even as it blew, it brought tears to my eyes, causing my concerned tears to run to dry hollow ground...

Hollow, parched ground that is filled with the tears of mothers expecting the death confirmation of their lost sons! Blood of the innocent souls that has crossed the keepers of death...death to minds, death to hearts, and death to life!

I deem it "Trade"...on this hill is where you can find the everyday ghetto living...strife, hustle, and the lost!!
But within the stench of rotting minds, dying hopes & shot dreams...life twinkles!

The trade is the most killing, but sometimes funny thing that you can witness...
It's like this...Black youth; sit a char-na, smoke ah joint...in pure bliss of the indo sites a thing ack-rass de road..."pssst....sisteren....wha gwan!!! (in loud, slurred language) yuh luk hott uh kno!...gimme ya num-ba nah!?

She looks across...looks right through him...turns her head again just in time to stick her hand out to the approaching van; destined for her stop, and the continuation of her ongoing life, steps in....and drives away...

"Ya dutty face ho!! shouting; i did-din wha ya n e way!!....

I often think what that look meant when girls give them!? But i found that out today...You see, when they turn, in the direction of the statement!!! they see...NOTHING!! yea..they see nothing! they know that they are hearing something... but when they turn to respond...they see nothingness in being, the emptiness of their mind, the non-existence of their future...so they appear..."invisible" to hopes eye!!

I'm sure most ladies can attest to that fact!!

Continuing on...Black youth, sits and Trades, stands and TRAdes, walks and TRADES!!! HE's PROMPT IN WAKING UP EVERY MORNING AND TRADING HIS PRICELESS SOUL, FOR WEED, SEX, AND FAST CASH!!!

WASTE!! WASTE!!! WASTE!!!!...can't they hear!! can't they hear the cries of those very souls that make up the ground that they walk on, the very souls that fought and died for their freedom, fought and died, and died and fought to free them of the shackles that they were destined to wear! Only to "TRADE" it for mental shackles...the worst kind of slavery...

KILL THE MIND!, but keep the body strong...

All demented, by false hopes, and farfetched dreams! only possible in the days and times of the low, red eyed wonderment and foggy thoughts of the "best time"...charred lips, that utter more NOTHINGNESS into the air, only to confuse and to offset...like the hazy winds they blow, from their lungs!!!

Blood runs hot again!!! even the cold, coagulated blood of ages past, RUNS HOT AGAIN!! boiling in anger & grief....

"ah las ba-ckle" they cry... "ah las ba-ckle, fu meh youth pun de char-na, he jus ah wait-en fu massa pick am h-up! all de fight me a fight...all meh blood wha run h-out h-am meh bady fuh me youth!!

AH LAS BA-CKLE!!!!

These are the thoughts i get, when i'm high on life, high on my future, high on..."de hill"...looking down on the valley of lost souls!!!....

Who's going to bring them home? Who's going to see them go right...i can tell you who...the bawling mothers would see them go "right" to the cemetery...where they're "home" to a lost eternity.

"Deh dere"

I'm about to tell you about a subject, her name in this report is "Deh dere"

"Deh dere" is the kind that would always be there despite what you do to her!

Ever since the first time i saw her, or should i say she saw me! with the ask of a name, she pleadged herself to me, without her master knowing.

Day after day, she's at her masters service...at his beck and call, without him saying a word, she'd provide what he needs, wants and desires!!!

But this master, is one that shows no love, no return of that stretching service, that he has noticed turned to love!!

The stiff master, guards his heart, face and feelings to give the "unloving" appearance to his undying servant, that he has never called for the job!

But his mistake, was to encourage! He encouraged her, telling her things that would make any woman come back! At least it were better than, silence!!

"Deh dere" is a common prototype in the Caribbean, madly in love with men that don't even look twice at them in public!! not to say that she isn't cute looking...she was once the talk of the town! Men would turn heads and break back, just to have her in their beds!

Now! she's laid waste to his on going "pay-not-attention-ism"...

But let's look at this holistically!! what are the thoughts of the master! Could he full out not want anything to with this seemingly "leechy" servant? or does he want to reach out to teach and nurture to have her change into an individual, for once in her troubled life!!

Maybe we'd never know, but one thing we do know...she "deh dere" no matter what the outcome!

Chronicle 2

Fresh to the mornings' wind!!

Realizing that i'm more relaxed, more in control, more...eased, since i've decided to return to homeland...or the semblance of it!

My thoughts are clearer, because i have un-cluttered my mind of all things...everything!! My only thoughts are thoughts of sleep...stillness...nothingness...blankness!? have i gone to another level of my demented thoughts? or i'm at a stage to reflect on things gone wrong, avenues to fix them, and buildings of achievement?

I'd prefer the later...

My intention today is to report my days of incident status, which is (2). I have gained delight in this, so i've decided to celebrate! "Better must come!" and i will keep a positive head to all the turmoil going on in my outside thoughts...yes you know what i'm talking about...the mind you have outside of your head...it's call "the world"

In it's existence, it has proven to influence the individual mind, and turn it against itself, with it's many fantasies & varieties & cultures and people...to take it and to feed it & feed it and feed it, until it can just process the crap of hopeless wonders & unfulfilled destinies.

The mind is greater & weaker than we think!

It is my intention today to crack that philosophy of weak minds, and to build a greater consciousness of stronger ones!

Join me my friends, join me in this great journey to wonder into the unknown, and to start believing in "FAITH" the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen!!

My task, is to gain "FAITH"...that which i believe will lead me to "KNOWLEDGE"...that which i believe will lead me to "UNDERSTANDING...that which i believe will lead me to "WISDOM"...

It is a long journey, but my first baby step, will lead to a gigantic achievement of wisdom!

What if?

Vast, the depth of my thoughts are unbearable!

They often trouble me, running wild in the brain, the core of all mishaps and glories

Control! What I don’t possess, something extraordinary like the brain has to have some sort of other influence to control!

If I were to use my brain to it’s fullest, I would possess myself and claim to be a god!

Because I would be driven to find out what makes me see, what causes me to hear? What causes me to breathe…

How can flesh cause flesh to make flesh?

What sort of being will enable mere flesh, to become the rulers of the earth?

Give them such power, that they would destroy themselves in their thrive for power over one another?

It must be a being that has to have all knowledge of what humans are capable of, because it is that being that gave us life!

To live life is but a choice of another!

Life? Choice? Are they equal?, or two different extremes?

Is life equal to choice, but what is choice? Is choice god?

Trapped

In comes you! A stranger to my voice, a sailor in my ship.

Amazed!! aren't you? at my seeming peace and joy!

Thrilled at my exciting features and concepts.

But little do you know! Little do you know of my darkness, of my past, little do you know of the many souls tied to my confusion, the souls that i've touched...

Yes! just like the way im touching yours, that want to break free from my loose, yet deadly grip.

You ask me, "why?, why do you do this?"

I reply "i'm just like you! victim to my own mind"

How could the blind lead the blind?

Just consider your self, just like the many other,

Lost?

No more?

Trapped!!, yes, trapped!!

Thoughts

My thoughts flow like the river of Nile,

Wide, rich & powerful, able to make great structures move in a single tide!

Strong and mighty, without even having to leave my quarters

I go on forever! Getting deeper & wider with all & every turn, twist, drop & rise of my path.

I flow, flow, flow, gaining speed & co-existing with other life.

I am a river, I am an ocean, I am a stream

All running, but at different reasons & characters!

My thoughts, they scare me! They reveal to me the seeming mysteries of life

I am but mere flesh, that was given the power of chose & the power of thought!

“Thought” a loose canon that mankind uses to destroy innocent lives & minds

I have survived, crawling through the broken vessels & emptiness of hopelessness to make it to the top to say…

I have survived, I can still think! But I suffer from trauma, because my thoughts, they are doubled & I can live a double life, easily with my shattered thoughts!

Story of my life

To be me, is to be confused, whether to be good or bad...happy or sad, true or fake!

To be me, is to be openminded, to have a vision on life, to see life's downs and still laugh at them

To be me, is to be daring, is to be strong when you're entirely weak, and to have a smile when you want to destroy the world

My life is complicated but yet simple...it's an open book, but yet a shut door to all that wants to come in

Like a chameleon that is pleasing to look at, but has to blend into a world that is completely unknown to him to survive

Living as me is a survival game, you either eat or be eaten, shoot or be shot, kill or be killed.

As i continue to live, they are those that want to be apart of my life.....isn't that funny!

They want to share what seems to be joy! determination and passion!

What should i do?

Should i allow them to come into my world...knowing that i will be responsible for another soul other than mine?

I'm not that sweet!....i'm the venom that stings you after a quick snap from a viper....i'm switchtable...i'm not obvious any more!

Do you still want to share my world?

If you still do, then you deserved to be loved and cherished by what i do in my life....

Because you have accepted "who i am!!"

The secret

Quick!! Hide yourself from the coming darkness!! For it is the snare of unhappiest & despair!

I’ve ran from this pestilence for years, often seeking refuge in small holes and cracks of comfort, jumping from crevice to crevice seeking goodness & safety!

One day while hiding, behind me I turned to see a light “My secret” I thought, the one thing that I do not know the true meaning of!!

Slowly approaching & praying for deliverance, I drew closer to my redeemer, like a rare diamond, I’ve searched all my life for this peace, this “secret” that will save me.

Now to it, the light enfolds me! I welcome it with a tight embrace. “Warm”, I thought, this must be real, for it has strengthened and dispelled all doubts of weakness.

But like any other secret, it must be kept close to your heart, hidden for as long as you can keep it’s burning fire.

“For as long as I live, I would love to keep you” but I cannot keep you a secret much long!!...I must release you so that I shant hide anymore!... Can I not be seen with you? Can I not live in your warm, loving light? My secret! I love thee! But I wish to be free! Free of hiding, because you are powerful, you are great and might, but you are just as weak as me if you remain A secret!”

The ordeal

Living in feeling, wondering in fear! Knowing only to yourself, that something wrong draws near!

It’s coming, you can’t see it! You don’t have a clue. You don’t know what in God’s name it’ll do to you!

Warnings you send, and no one heeds! They think you cry wolf in your help appeals.

You know your in trouble, of this there is no doubt, but your not even allowed to scream or shout!

“Ah me wan!!” I say here, “we will over come you! We you will fear

No! the voice says, For I am always here! Who are you? They say in light they’re blind!

I stand to announce, He’s the one that always fights for me. With him I cannot be defeated with Him I always win

Black Woman

A tower of blessing and strength, built to endure the hardest of pains and suffering, yet made with the softest of skin!

The Black woman sees the future through her hope filled eyes, always looking towards the hills and finding safe havens for those that she cares about the most…. The black woman always gives, even if it is her last, even if it is something that she holds dear, the black woman would give it up, she would give it up just to help another.

Though some black women haven’t made children of their own, they are still the mothers of nations, by giving of their strengths, giving of their will, giving of their skill, she gives of her all!!

Black woman, stand up & stand strong, test and trials only come to make you stronger, they only come to add to your wealth of wisdom, they only come to make you a strong black woman, and to test what it is that you’re really made of… And even through all the trouble she may be going through, the black woman still loves, she loves with a heart filled with love and compassion!

What sort of creature is this? What manner of soul still loves in great trials and despair?

Only the soul & spirit of a BLACK WOMAN

Silence!

It has begun! The life I know not of! It’s strange, mix of feelings & emotions, despair & sadness all at the same time.

I’ve become dumb. Numbness of my mind causes not a single word to be uttered from my mouth. But yet, my soul shouts & screams! Bawls & yells with the hope to be heard! Blood runs from my very core, boiling over with every drip & finds recourse just to drip & boil over as an expression of its own feelings.

Mad blood that has run cold, cold as the winter day!

I am now deaf, deaf to whispers of change & prosperity, deaf to redemption & success, deaf to recourse & improvement. But yet, my ears ring to the chimes of consciousness, they pulse with piercing words & sore from hammering “unsatisfactory” utterances.

Blind! As blind as a man without foresight. That’s the worst kind of blindness. Eyes wide open, peeled to the light of hope & riches, but all seems opaque, too opaque even to envisage.

My disabilities are my strengths! I’ve found new ways to speak & to hear & to see.

My pen, my eyes, my paper, my ears & my thoughts my sight.

Silent in action, but a powerful force in silence! Man fears the very atmosphere of silence! Shhh!!! Can you hear it? My silence is deafening!

Realize

Now I wish this would all go away!!...

Freedom comes with a price, like all things in life! I’ve asked for this moment all my life, and now….I’m alone with it!...The pressure of living with yourself, is the next task to conquer!!

I’m a prisoner of my own mind! Unworthy of pleasures that I once owned! I am one, one not with myself, but with my fears!...The fears that once was a part of history, now a part of my present day living.

My God! Im unsupervised, unchallenged…I’m I now a rogue? I’m I even doin what is right? I thought this is what I wanted? But, obviously not! With each passing day I second guess my position in life?

Why? I’m successful? I’m achieving! I’m young!.....that’s it! I’M YOUNG!!! I once thought that I was big enough to handle the things in life all by myself!... but I came to realize that im not as big as I think I am…im not as mature as I act, but yet, I’m a child, still growing to life treats and mayhem.

Grow & be strong im told, this is no easy task, for it is the stability of the mind that allows you to succeed in these everyday test! Be willing to listen, and to obey the things you ought too…and you will be fine on your righteous path!

Your on the right track, because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be as confused as you are now!!!

In the Crowd

Caught up in the flow of everyday living, passing many people all at one time!

But don’t you think the people you pass might all not exist!?

They're just apart of this whole façade called life.

Many a time I wait just for the director to say….”CUT!!, next actor”

It seems so unreal to me, like I’m the only real one in this whole earth.

But! Doesn’t everyone think that way?

Being lost in the crowd, to be lonely, to be seemingly forgotten!

These & more, are just the state of people’s minds

Man can never be alone, but why do I feel so alone?

So distant!?

So different?

I long for the peace of companionship, but like any other human, the thought of being hurt is sickening

What should I do?

Bare the hurt or Bare being alone?

Excluded

Making sense of things that are not of trouble to you, is a sense of madness, or is it a sense of concern?

Roaming outside of the box is a risk to human nature, because mankind is not susceptible to change.

Creativity is a mind boggling form that often returns scorn and disgust instead of delight and praise!

To be outside, to be excluded from the groves of life, is to be strong and level headed!

It is, to dare to be different and to be good at it!

IT is me!

Nature and its findings can consume you, if you’re not careful! Just like creativity, Creativity is almost like an undiscovered life form, that grows on you with each passing day, Once your in it,

You live it,

You become it!

I dare to be excluded because, it pushes me to be more

More outside, and to be more of the true "I am", it pushes me, to be me!!

Chronicle 1.1

17^th July,

Why the FUCK else you think I'm here!! I did it again!!...FALLEN AGAIN!! Would I ever learn!?

I tried to fight it! But I succumbed!! It first started with mental flashes of what I used to do!!! Then it grew!! It grew to me actually doing it…casually, you know not the real thing, but things that would definitely get me to do it!!...THEN I FUCKING did it again!!...as a matter if fact I just finished doing it!!....

WHOA!! WHY WHY WHY…hearing full well…”DON’T DO IT!!, IT’S NOT RIGHT!!!...IT DOESN’T EVEN SMELL RIGHT!!!....geez…what the hell am i?

Strike 1billion and 1…the same thing!!...i actually thought that I was goin to make it ya know! I felt different and everything!! Things weren’t like before!!...WHEN AM I GOIN TO LET GO!!!

I feel like blogging about this! But people would get the wrong idea!! Something like this has to stay private!! Or I may just give it to someone that can fed off this…then they may turn into the monster that I am!!...then I would have more blood on my shoulders…!?........don’t think that is smart!!!

This circle is getin too deep…really it is, and im getting dizzy with every turn!!...would it change when I get off this island?...i really hope so!! I honestly do! Cause that would mean that I would soar the way that im supposed to soar like an eagle…but for some reason I feel as tho it’s going to be the fight of my life!! Stepping back to what I thought I left behind…old foes, flings, macs & attitudes!!!.....GOD HELP ME!!!

(just got a text from her!!) Sorry she says!!! I should of told her something!!!, what do u think! U think If I said something it would of made a difference?? Do u really think so? HUH!!!

Just thought of taking a Test!!....I’m scared as hell, it’s like I don’t even want to know! Filling my head with shit as usual too… no wonder I do the shit I do!!...

And I play as though I don’t know the reasons for the shit that I do….it’s all in my mind!! In my being…in my core…I BANGED IT IN!!!

I know this, but still I do it!!...”the height of MADNESS”

Feel like my brain is melting something that should be there!! Do YOu know the feeling as tho something is leaving you! You know that It’s leaving, but you can’t help yourself?!!! YEA I KNOW….CRAZY…..then sometimes I feel like I’m crazy!!...like I could just run off a hill and laugh all the way down to my death!!

But then again, I never ever wanna kill myself that would just be insane!!...as much as I may contemplate it…don’t think I would do something like that!!....EVER!!!!!!!!

(MUSiQ soulchild banging in my head, BETTERMAN)

I wanna love, I wanna give unconditional love to some woman, make her feel special….and I don’t even love myself right now!!! I’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING CRAZY…

INSTRUCTIONS, UPON RETURN , YOU DO NOTHING BUT GET IN TOUCH WITH GOD!!!! GOT IT!!!

LOST IN THE MUSIC, HIP HOP, IT SURELY DOES TALK TO THE SOUL! I WAS JUST FROZEN, THINKING THAT I COULD RAP TOO…LIKE I WANTED TO START SPITTING PAIN, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT UNDERNEATH IT, IT’S ALL HATE AND BACK STABBING AND SHIT!

I have problems…sitting here in the dark, typing what I cannot say to anyone but myself!! I’ve been holding information like this for years! Just boiling up, more and more and more, not releasing shit to anyone!! But I could remember that I was going to do that to someone, someone I thought that was worthy and strong enough to deal with it! Yea HER, as much as she thinks that I’m not there for her, she’s pretty much not there for me either!!!

I get it now!! People expect me to do all this stuff, because im supposed to be doing it, im supposed to be strong enough to help people with their problems! And give them God given advice,,,,im goin through all of this for someone or some people!! And im supposed to conquer these situations so that I can strengthen them when they come to me!!....why do I know all this stuff, but still don’t practice it!

?

Hope I have better news the next time I come back to this page!....i should talk in the affirmative right…

I CAN’T because I don’t believe in my heart right now!...but I’ll try!!

I WOULDN”T HAVE ANYTHING BAD TO SAY THE NEXT TIME I COME TO THIS PAGE!! IT WOULD BE IMPROVEMENT<>>>>>AMEN

Chronicle 1

So now that I’ve finally gotten fed up of my lifestyle, I revert to…writing!!

Once, I was a young man full of life, hope and prosperity. I was happy and glad, free from sex, drugs and alcohol!!! Free from the smell of sin and disgust!! I was saved!! Living for the LORD, willing to live for him in all my ways! Whatever happened to those days? NOW! I'm wandering in this vast world, that only offers fast happiness that lasts for a wink of an eye! “How did I ever come to this?”

I believe it all began when I started getting exposure to the world of work! MONEY!!! It was all about the cash, fancy things, designer clothes, big houses, expensive liquor …the works! Tender age of 13, I started learning about cash & cash flow…then it moved from there! It went to women, good looks for them, dress nice for them, and they would all flock you! You know GQ style, that would drive any woman crazy!! “ I started smelling myself!” that was the whole problem; I started getting pompous and negligent of what I was on this earth for… it wasn’t the girls, cash, fame and fortune; it was just to be a humble servant, obeying the word of God, day in and day out!!

As simple as that sounds, that’s the hardest thing when you’ve tasted of sin! Now! I swear, drink, fornicate, lie, cheat, steal! All of the things I was thought not to do…I do them, I enjoyed them at the time, then I sat down from the hype… and when my thoughts caught up with me! I got convicted… then I asked the question “why didn’t I stop? Why didn’t I turn away from it!!, I know it’s wrong, but why does it feel so good!?” Funny enough, is that I have all the answers to those questions!!! But I still can’t stop myself… RUNNING DOWN THE BROAD ROAD OF DESTRUCTION! And I’ve got a posse backing me up with it!!! How crazy can my life get?

So now I know what to do! Know how to start doing it! But I’m still holding back from doing it! I’m POSSESSED!! Prisoner of my own mind, soul & body…my flesh is so weak!! That it has turned my mind against itself!!! It has no power of it’s own anymore!! SAD how a mind goes to waste, because it was consumed by itself! I know who to turn to, but my mind again grows strong in resisting the help needed! “Is this the beginning of madness?” Is this what other people have fought and failed, and become bright nothings? I also know where my eternity will be if I continue down this road!!

Wouldn’t you think with knowing all this, that I would stop doing it!? “Sin is sweet, and it is the nature of man to enjoy it, because we were born in sin!” The difference to me, is that I would be 10times worst off, its because I know the truth, but still do nothing to change my ways! “what is the state of man, if he knows how to be true to oneself, but yet, ignores his very core?” TROUBLED!! I deem it troubled…

Wanting to cry! Wanting to shout, wanting to love someone, that would love him back! But still, wouldn’t allow himself!!!...wanting to be alone, but when left alone, is looking to see who would pity him, and come to keep his company!! WHAT IS MY STATE!!? I ask in agony!! What is my state???

HELPLESS, CONFUSED, LOST, and most of all LONELY!! That word, that word that I can never accept…LONELY!!!, the only way I can be happy, and truly happy, is when I can live with myself!.... That I have not conquered!!! Ever since I can remember myself, I’ve never ever liked to be alone…my mind would run over things that scared the living day lights out of me!! I often ask myself…am I for real? Am I the anti Christ in training…what am i?

Even typing this, I feel no emotion, I know that I’m confused, I know that I'm lost, but yet I ask no help! Still believing that I can help myself, some way or the other!!! NOW THAT IS MADNESS! Know the ALMIGHTY is right there to save me, I look at him, look at his works, and act as though they don’t exist!!

Whatever my destiny, I deserve it! You know why…because I know better and still don’t do better…

I’m afraid to talk, afraid to let anyone in…never wanting to show my weakness, because I am strong, or at least I appear to be…as though I have everything in control!!! I WANT TO ROLL OVER AND DIE!!! I can’t think that enough now…feeling as though im better off dead, but yet still know that that thought is a trick of the enemy!!!....MY FLESH IS SO WEAK! That I interpret anything for love, and care and tenderness…BULLSHIT!!! I’m warned, I warn, and discourage, I’m discouraged…but I keep making the same mistake, over and over and over and over and Over and OVer and OVEr and OVER AGAIN!!!

WHY!!! WHY do I keep doing that! What am i… a FUCKING ASSHOLE….??!!

Anyone reading this, would think “the boy got issues!” YEA I do, I’ve got too many issues, thinking that it was all my parents fault, but I’ve awaken to the fact that it was all mine!! ALL MY FAULT from the very beginning!! WHEN WOULD THIS EVER END!? This cycle, I repent, I fall, I stray away, I catch myself, I depress myself, I try to uplift myself, I repent again! And then it happens ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

“What is it that I’m missing GOD!? What is it that I haven’t learnt? Why is it that I fall victim to the same old traps, just with different people in it?..

This is were I pray, and like every other time, I get no answer!!! At least, not when I want it….KNOWING AGAIN THAT GOD ANSWERS IN HIS TIME!!!!
amn6hju7yjmg ‘k

This is another part of the cycle… I beat myself up!! I feel sorry for myself, I pray for forgiveness with doubt in my heart, I clean up for like a week if that long… then I do the same shit and more after a few days!!!

I think that God looks down on me saying…” I have great plans for you, if you would just die to self and follow me, I would make you great in my name!!” Funny enough, is that I know God has a plan for my life, that is exactly why I’m so distracted….

HOW COULD I KNOW ALL THIS AND STILL DO THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!1111

M^U&JHYnnb;.l,

Stone!! I don’t even have feeling for myself right now… I’ve killed myself, I’ve killed ones that cared for me, and I’m about to kill even my enemies!!! I NEED HELP!!! FAST!!!! Or should I say, “In GOD’s timing”

I’ve gone under, I’ve given up time and time again! What would make this time any much different!!!!

Strike 1billion…

Let’s try this again…shall we… I’ve prayed this pray, so many times, that I think that I should publish it…

But I’m still gonna pray it, making again a stone tough decision that im goin to change!! And change for the better, disconnect from the world, and connect to God…clear my mind from all things unlike him, and fill my mind with his word, completely renew my mind, for the 1 billionth time!!

I’m making a conscience decision to claim God as my loving king, put away self, and cling to him, forget about what people think and say and do! And think about God and God alone…AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN\

To be continued…