Chronicle 1.1

17^th July,

Why the FUCK else you think I'm here!! I did it again!!...FALLEN AGAIN!! Would I ever learn!?

I tried to fight it! But I succumbed!! It first started with mental flashes of what I used to do!!! Then it grew!! It grew to me actually doing it…casually, you know not the real thing, but things that would definitely get me to do it!!...THEN I FUCKING did it again!!...as a matter if fact I just finished doing it!!....

WHOA!! WHY WHY WHY…hearing full well…”DON’T DO IT!!, IT’S NOT RIGHT!!!...IT DOESN’T EVEN SMELL RIGHT!!!....geez…what the hell am i?

Strike 1billion and 1…the same thing!!...i actually thought that I was goin to make it ya know! I felt different and everything!! Things weren’t like before!!...WHEN AM I GOIN TO LET GO!!!

I feel like blogging about this! But people would get the wrong idea!! Something like this has to stay private!! Or I may just give it to someone that can fed off this…then they may turn into the monster that I am!!...then I would have more blood on my shoulders…!?........don’t think that is smart!!!

This circle is getin too deep…really it is, and im getting dizzy with every turn!!...would it change when I get off this island?...i really hope so!! I honestly do! Cause that would mean that I would soar the way that im supposed to soar like an eagle…but for some reason I feel as tho it’s going to be the fight of my life!! Stepping back to what I thought I left behind…old foes, flings, macs & attitudes!!!.....GOD HELP ME!!!

(just got a text from her!!) Sorry she says!!! I should of told her something!!!, what do u think! U think If I said something it would of made a difference?? Do u really think so? HUH!!!

Just thought of taking a Test!!....I’m scared as hell, it’s like I don’t even want to know! Filling my head with shit as usual too… no wonder I do the shit I do!!...

And I play as though I don’t know the reasons for the shit that I do….it’s all in my mind!! In my being…in my core…I BANGED IT IN!!!

I know this, but still I do it!!...”the height of MADNESS”

Feel like my brain is melting something that should be there!! Do YOu know the feeling as tho something is leaving you! You know that It’s leaving, but you can’t help yourself?!!! YEA I KNOW….CRAZY…..then sometimes I feel like I’m crazy!!...like I could just run off a hill and laugh all the way down to my death!!

But then again, I never ever wanna kill myself that would just be insane!!...as much as I may contemplate it…don’t think I would do something like that!!....EVER!!!!!!!!

(MUSiQ soulchild banging in my head, BETTERMAN)

I wanna love, I wanna give unconditional love to some woman, make her feel special….and I don’t even love myself right now!!! I’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING CRAZY…

INSTRUCTIONS, UPON RETURN , YOU DO NOTHING BUT GET IN TOUCH WITH GOD!!!! GOT IT!!!

LOST IN THE MUSIC, HIP HOP, IT SURELY DOES TALK TO THE SOUL! I WAS JUST FROZEN, THINKING THAT I COULD RAP TOO…LIKE I WANTED TO START SPITTING PAIN, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT UNDERNEATH IT, IT’S ALL HATE AND BACK STABBING AND SHIT!

I have problems…sitting here in the dark, typing what I cannot say to anyone but myself!! I’ve been holding information like this for years! Just boiling up, more and more and more, not releasing shit to anyone!! But I could remember that I was going to do that to someone, someone I thought that was worthy and strong enough to deal with it! Yea HER, as much as she thinks that I’m not there for her, she’s pretty much not there for me either!!!

I get it now!! People expect me to do all this stuff, because im supposed to be doing it, im supposed to be strong enough to help people with their problems! And give them God given advice,,,,im goin through all of this for someone or some people!! And im supposed to conquer these situations so that I can strengthen them when they come to me!!....why do I know all this stuff, but still don’t practice it!

?

Hope I have better news the next time I come back to this page!....i should talk in the affirmative right…

I CAN’T because I don’t believe in my heart right now!...but I’ll try!!

I WOULDN”T HAVE ANYTHING BAD TO SAY THE NEXT TIME I COME TO THIS PAGE!! IT WOULD BE IMPROVEMENT<>>>>>AMEN

Chronicle 1

So now that I’ve finally gotten fed up of my lifestyle, I revert to…writing!!

Once, I was a young man full of life, hope and prosperity. I was happy and glad, free from sex, drugs and alcohol!!! Free from the smell of sin and disgust!! I was saved!! Living for the LORD, willing to live for him in all my ways! Whatever happened to those days? NOW! I'm wandering in this vast world, that only offers fast happiness that lasts for a wink of an eye! “How did I ever come to this?”

I believe it all began when I started getting exposure to the world of work! MONEY!!! It was all about the cash, fancy things, designer clothes, big houses, expensive liquor …the works! Tender age of 13, I started learning about cash & cash flow…then it moved from there! It went to women, good looks for them, dress nice for them, and they would all flock you! You know GQ style, that would drive any woman crazy!! “ I started smelling myself!” that was the whole problem; I started getting pompous and negligent of what I was on this earth for… it wasn’t the girls, cash, fame and fortune; it was just to be a humble servant, obeying the word of God, day in and day out!!

As simple as that sounds, that’s the hardest thing when you’ve tasted of sin! Now! I swear, drink, fornicate, lie, cheat, steal! All of the things I was thought not to do…I do them, I enjoyed them at the time, then I sat down from the hype… and when my thoughts caught up with me! I got convicted… then I asked the question “why didn’t I stop? Why didn’t I turn away from it!!, I know it’s wrong, but why does it feel so good!?” Funny enough, is that I have all the answers to those questions!!! But I still can’t stop myself… RUNNING DOWN THE BROAD ROAD OF DESTRUCTION! And I’ve got a posse backing me up with it!!! How crazy can my life get?

So now I know what to do! Know how to start doing it! But I’m still holding back from doing it! I’m POSSESSED!! Prisoner of my own mind, soul & body…my flesh is so weak!! That it has turned my mind against itself!!! It has no power of it’s own anymore!! SAD how a mind goes to waste, because it was consumed by itself! I know who to turn to, but my mind again grows strong in resisting the help needed! “Is this the beginning of madness?” Is this what other people have fought and failed, and become bright nothings? I also know where my eternity will be if I continue down this road!!

Wouldn’t you think with knowing all this, that I would stop doing it!? “Sin is sweet, and it is the nature of man to enjoy it, because we were born in sin!” The difference to me, is that I would be 10times worst off, its because I know the truth, but still do nothing to change my ways! “what is the state of man, if he knows how to be true to oneself, but yet, ignores his very core?” TROUBLED!! I deem it troubled…

Wanting to cry! Wanting to shout, wanting to love someone, that would love him back! But still, wouldn’t allow himself!!!...wanting to be alone, but when left alone, is looking to see who would pity him, and come to keep his company!! WHAT IS MY STATE!!? I ask in agony!! What is my state???

HELPLESS, CONFUSED, LOST, and most of all LONELY!! That word, that word that I can never accept…LONELY!!!, the only way I can be happy, and truly happy, is when I can live with myself!.... That I have not conquered!!! Ever since I can remember myself, I’ve never ever liked to be alone…my mind would run over things that scared the living day lights out of me!! I often ask myself…am I for real? Am I the anti Christ in training…what am i?

Even typing this, I feel no emotion, I know that I’m confused, I know that I'm lost, but yet I ask no help! Still believing that I can help myself, some way or the other!!! NOW THAT IS MADNESS! Know the ALMIGHTY is right there to save me, I look at him, look at his works, and act as though they don’t exist!!

Whatever my destiny, I deserve it! You know why…because I know better and still don’t do better…

I’m afraid to talk, afraid to let anyone in…never wanting to show my weakness, because I am strong, or at least I appear to be…as though I have everything in control!!! I WANT TO ROLL OVER AND DIE!!! I can’t think that enough now…feeling as though im better off dead, but yet still know that that thought is a trick of the enemy!!!....MY FLESH IS SO WEAK! That I interpret anything for love, and care and tenderness…BULLSHIT!!! I’m warned, I warn, and discourage, I’m discouraged…but I keep making the same mistake, over and over and over and over and Over and OVer and OVEr and OVER AGAIN!!!

WHY!!! WHY do I keep doing that! What am i… a FUCKING ASSHOLE….??!!

Anyone reading this, would think “the boy got issues!” YEA I do, I’ve got too many issues, thinking that it was all my parents fault, but I’ve awaken to the fact that it was all mine!! ALL MY FAULT from the very beginning!! WHEN WOULD THIS EVER END!? This cycle, I repent, I fall, I stray away, I catch myself, I depress myself, I try to uplift myself, I repent again! And then it happens ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

“What is it that I’m missing GOD!? What is it that I haven’t learnt? Why is it that I fall victim to the same old traps, just with different people in it?..

This is were I pray, and like every other time, I get no answer!!! At least, not when I want it….KNOWING AGAIN THAT GOD ANSWERS IN HIS TIME!!!!
amn6hju7yjmg ‘k

This is another part of the cycle… I beat myself up!! I feel sorry for myself, I pray for forgiveness with doubt in my heart, I clean up for like a week if that long… then I do the same shit and more after a few days!!!

I think that God looks down on me saying…” I have great plans for you, if you would just die to self and follow me, I would make you great in my name!!” Funny enough, is that I know God has a plan for my life, that is exactly why I’m so distracted….

HOW COULD I KNOW ALL THIS AND STILL DO THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!1111

M^U&JHYnnb;.l,

Stone!! I don’t even have feeling for myself right now… I’ve killed myself, I’ve killed ones that cared for me, and I’m about to kill even my enemies!!! I NEED HELP!!! FAST!!!! Or should I say, “In GOD’s timing”

I’ve gone under, I’ve given up time and time again! What would make this time any much different!!!!

Strike 1billion…

Let’s try this again…shall we… I’ve prayed this pray, so many times, that I think that I should publish it…

But I’m still gonna pray it, making again a stone tough decision that im goin to change!! And change for the better, disconnect from the world, and connect to God…clear my mind from all things unlike him, and fill my mind with his word, completely renew my mind, for the 1 billionth time!!

I’m making a conscience decision to claim God as my loving king, put away self, and cling to him, forget about what people think and say and do! And think about God and God alone…AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN\

To be continued…