17th July,
Why the FUCK else you think I'm here!! I did it again!!...FALLEN AGAIN!! Would I ever learn!?
I tried to fight it! But I succumbed!! It first started with mental flashes of what I used to do!!! Then it grew!! It grew to me actually doing it…casually, you know not the real thing, but things that would definitely get me to do it!!...THEN I FUCKING did it again!!...as a matter if fact I just finished doing it!!....
WHOA!! WHY WHY WHY…hearing full well…”DON’T DO IT!!, IT’S NOT RIGHT!!!...IT DOESN’T EVEN SMELL RIGHT!!!....geez…what the hell am i?
Strike 1billion and 1…the same thing!!...i actually thought that I was goin to make it ya know! I felt different and everything!! Things weren’t like before!!...WHEN AM I GOIN TO LET GO!!!
I feel like blogging about this! But people would get the wrong idea!! Something like this has to stay private!! Or I may just give it to someone that can fed off this…then they may turn into the monster that I am!!...then I would have more blood on my shoulders…!?........don’t think that is smart!!!
This circle is getin too deep…really it is, and im getting dizzy with every turn!!...would it change when I get off this island?...i really hope so!! I honestly do! Cause that would mean that I would soar the way that im supposed to soar like an eagle…but for some reason I feel as tho it’s going to be the fight of my life!! Stepping back to what I thought I left behind…old foes, flings, macs & attitudes!!!.....GOD HELP ME!!!
(just got a text from her!!) Sorry she says!!! I should of told her something!!!, what do u think! U think If I said something it would of made a difference?? Do u really think so? HUH!!!
Just thought of taking a Test!!....I’m scared as hell, it’s like I don’t even want to know! Filling my head with shit as usual too… no wonder I do the shit I do!!...
And I play as though I don’t know the reasons for the shit that I do….it’s all in my mind!! In my being…in my core…I BANGED IT IN!!!
I know this, but still I do it!!...”the height of MADNESS”
Feel like my brain is melting something that should be there!! Do YOu know the feeling as tho something is leaving you! You know that It’s leaving, but you can’t help yourself?!!! YEA I KNOW….CRAZY…..then sometimes I feel like I’m crazy!!...like I could just run off a hill and laugh all the way down to my death!!
But then again, I never ever wanna kill myself that would just be insane!!...as much as I may contemplate it…don’t think I would do something like that!!....EVER!!!!!!!!
(MUSiQ soulchild banging in my head, BETTERMAN)
I wanna love, I wanna give unconditional love to some woman, make her feel special….and I don’t even love myself right now!!! I’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING CRAZY…
INSTRUCTIONS, UPON RETURN , YOU DO NOTHING BUT GET IN TOUCH WITH GOD!!!! GOT IT!!!
LOST IN THE MUSIC, HIP HOP, IT SURELY DOES TALK TO THE SOUL! I WAS JUST FROZEN, THINKING THAT I COULD RAP TOO…LIKE I WANTED TO START SPITTING PAIN, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT UNDERNEATH IT, IT’S ALL HATE AND BACK STABBING AND SHIT!
I have problems…sitting here in the dark, typing what I cannot say to anyone but myself!! I’ve been holding information like this for years! Just boiling up, more and more and more, not releasing shit to anyone!! But I could remember that I was going to do that to someone, someone I thought that was worthy and strong enough to deal with it! Yea HER, as much as she thinks that I’m not there for her, she’s pretty much not there for me either!!!
I get it now!! People expect me to do all this stuff, because im supposed to be doing it, im supposed to be strong enough to help people with their problems! And give them God given advice,,,,im goin through all of this for someone or some people!! And im supposed to conquer these situations so that I can strengthen them when they come to me!!....why do I know all this stuff, but still don’t practice it!
?
Hope I have better news the next time I come back to this page!....i should talk in the affirmative right…
I CAN’T because I don’t believe in my heart right now!...but I’ll try!!
I WOULDN”T HAVE ANYTHING BAD TO SAY THE NEXT TIME I COME TO THIS PAGE!! IT WOULD BE IMPROVEMENT<>>>>>AMEN
No comments:
Post a Comment