"Life in cue, on borrowed air"

....(the sound of an old tape recorder, activated by the press of it's 'play' and 'Rec' buttons...and i begin to speak....)

"So it all began!!! like the press of a button!!....naturally ordained...

My adolescent life, filled with great confusion and mishaps! left me in a boggled state!! Yet through all this chaos...my features occurred! Rapidly changing, and causing major happenings.

i was told during this era in my life, that i was going to cause women to wonder why is it they like me so much!!!....the curse was delivered!

Ever since, I've witnessed the 'hither and thither' of women in my life...some slowly...some rapidly...but one thing was invariable...their willingness to 'wait'...

Now this phenomenon always fascinated me! I always thought that even in the wildest dreams of a young boy, these 'pauses' as i call them wouldn't have been real...i used to brag and boast at the fact that i were the current topic of many young, admirable, prominent ladies...with a few 'un-amibitious' ones sprinkled in the mix.

I was the envy of many boys my age group, and even questioned and studied by older ones! But no one told me that this seeming 'glory' would have a bitter back lash.

I've grown to study people, study their behaviors, study their norms...and since then I've grown a SUPER judgmental streak .

Even before you talk to me or approach me, i place you at level 1, which is...there is between 75-100% chance that you'd like me, and you'd be attached to me because of my:

1) Behavior
2) Speech
3) Ambition
4) Charm &
5) Looks...

Note: I placed looks last, because i have proven that once i have a beautiful mind, my facial features don't matter.

SO...i've figure that out over the years, moving from teenager to young adult! and boy did i have fun!!...I've paused so many lives, damaged a few, practically changed some courses of histroy, just because of my mere presence. And why does this happen...!? when you get the answer... let me know!

Let me tell you the truth...young men like me, are the most dangerous kind in the male specie. We are very adaptable...attention givers...and very friendly...'users' if you like! But! you'd think that i'd use this to my advantage!...i did...and i didn't like the result!

I have looked into the eyes of the most pretty, confident, talented young women, and damaged them mentally, by playing with their minds...some of you may read this and think..."This bastard must have some nerve...thinking he's damaged me someway or the other!" Reality check!!...I HAVE, whether you like it or not. I've either changed or created some part of you, most times I've created, some monsters some leaders, some bitches, some activists! Most times it wasn't intentional!! But some of you needed a fix!!

What do i mean by pausing a life!? I mean, giving false hope to anyone that would listen to your wolf cries! Giving ear to a person that just wants an ear, but in the process looks deeper than you; just accommodating them for the time being! Adding fuel to a dying fire, and they see you as a savior in their time of trouble!

...The cycle is continuous!! Women come...women go, some as tricksters, some as lovers, some as friends but you turn them into rag dolls, some as mere contacts but you draw them close to you for no particular reason...By the time your done with the emotional roller coaster...you would never know what true love means...yea i know, kinda messed up specie...

SELF DESTRUCT! I cling, knowing that it is NOT going to be real, but you have every false intention to yourself that you're goin' to make it work...then I get involved, deeper and deeper, thinking that I'M changing, but deep, deep down inside, I know for a fact that I'm plainly being the patient black widow, wanting for the right time to strike! To render my prey helpless, in my web of deceit and flowery dreams, to take something from them that i want!! and paralyze them...making them dependent on MY borrowed air!!

WOW!... "why don't we hook up" they say, "i'd do anything for you!" "we would make it!" "I'd love to bare your children!" they cry, "i would never love another, the way i love you!"...

...click!...another life in pause...another life in cue...because of the unforgettable impression, they wait for you! believing that all will be just as they left it! and i would return to simply 'play' the record of a never ending bliss...

...Sounds like a fairytale...doesn't it!

I weep within many a day, wishing that i had never met some of these 'victims' of my leech-ism...i believe that some of these people could have plain done without me making that 'branding' impression on their lives...but all i can do is weep...weep and pray...that one day, they would wake up out of that daze & smell reality! that one day, they would read right through my facade...and send me back to where i came from... that one day they would break forth from my kiss of dream and live in real time

That way, i would begin introspection & reformation of my true self...

You see, during my studies of human behavior, I've realized; once a habit is encouraged, isn't it going to be harder to break! So in this instance, once i keep collecting victims for my cunning traps, wouldn't it be harder to resist!?

Truly a dilemma...solution..."Operation RUN-SNOB"

I've developed this failsafe plan, that can either run me into some 'fat lips' or the woman that was meant for me...i do pray it's the latter.

Be mean, maintain the strong mask, so no feelings, become as naive to the opposites sex & their obvious feelings for you...

If they stick around, watch them closer, and be even harder, if they stick around after that...it's either one of 2 things...
1) They have a copy of this blog in their back pocket
2) They must really like you!

But, truth added to truth, "How can one love another, if he in himself has not found love!?"

So my advise...don't listen to what i say! don't like my charm, don't like my speech, don't like my whit, my ambition, my goals...help me find my love...my first love...help me find..."ME!" Because, like you, both our lives would remind "in cue" if we don't first "play" ourselves.

(reaches over...stops the recording...sighs...thinking to myself...)
"this tape would only be heard by the one that deserves to hear!"

From the lips of the playful kissers, of lustful wants (K)

1 MAN...CAN!!

I almost forgot what today was like, until i nearly fainted tonight!!! Been having some dizzy spells lately...i really don't know why!? But funny enough, i return to the state that i woke up in...Half dead!!!

...awake my mind, asleep my body...bouncing off the walls of my cranium are my running thoughts; like track and field practice; what better way to know if your doing good, but by doing laps...

So off they went, 6:30 this morning! but as my mind went Jericho's route; my body fell further away...
Bad! like a hang over...but i didn't drink...i didn't smoke...i was normal!!! why would i feel like this!?

This messed with my mental the entire day!! even as i went through the day, disappointments stacked on disappointments..."ol house, pun ol house" my fore-fathers would of said...
"Why is this happening? why am i feeling this way?"

I had to meet with a client...that was another disappointment...i don't even want to go into that...
So in essence, i really just wanted the entire day to just go back where it came from...

"Oh shit!...i have the 'thing' to go to in Georgetown(another village on the windward side of the island...like 1hr:15mins from town!!) Man!! i don't want to go to that!..." In the midst of picking up the phone to cancel the meeting...i pause!! look around me...and started to get clothes to go...

So i pick up a white shirt that needed ironing...as i attempt to...the iron sticks to the shirt...holding it tight enough to burn it..."What the hell! arghhhh.... why is this happening!?...."

I pick up the phone again to cancel...but yet again...i pause!!... for what!? i look around me...and i proceeded to the chest of draws in my room, grabbed a crushed t-shirt...and left the house...

By this time, i didn't give a hoot as to how i looked, smelt or walked!! I stormed out, to get to this 'meeting'

Now if that wasn't enough to get me down and give up for the day!...the bus ride, was one filled with trouble!! Strange noises, arrogant people, constant off -route stops..."perfect! this couldn't be a better day"

Anyway, i finally get there...5 on the dot!...meet with the guy that I'm supposed to meet with, to take me to the real meeting!!

"Mr Jackman!" in his island countryside accent "the room that we normally meet in is locked! we may have to meet outside, if that's ok with you?" Great, i thought to myself...this just keeps getting better!!..."yea man! no problem...anything would work!" with the plastic smile on my face...

"Good!" he said "I coming back"

5....10....15!....20....30!!....35mins....he returns...."Mr Jackman...i don't know why these people haven't showed up! they set the time, but they ain't come!! i don't know why!!"

The only thing that was missing was my cross and nails...because i had surely been up for the kill of my spirit today!!!

But! just when i was about to blow my top...he calls out to another guy across the street..."Dick-I! com nah!!...

I looked across and behold...a crazy looking tall, dark, sweaty Rastaman, with sweets and mints in a bag, his 'ice, gold and green holey vest...with sandals to match! and his 'tom' to complete the outfit.

"this is Mr. Jackman, he came today to talk to you guys about the video thing..." said Mr. Green

"Respect!" replies the proud but shy Ras..."ok! nice to meet you!; sticks out his fist to be bounced, as he sits down on the stone steps of the compound.

"This!...this is who i came to meet today!! a bunch of 'has beens' and 'i wishers' that don't even look like they would last a day in a studio...even if you gave them a manual!!" i said to myself, bouncing him back; with a silent response.

"You can ask him any questions you have Dick-I" says Mr. Green...
So Dick-I got to talking, and i got to talking, then he got to listening...and i got to more talking...then i got to listening...then he got.... You get the drift....

Then it happened! i finally woke up! i woke up, from the pits of despair, and discouragement and opened my eyes to see....

"Life is at most complete, when you live it for the betterment of others!! You go through what you go through, for someone not to go through it!! you wake up and live, so that someone else doesn't roll up and die!! You walk the roads, wearing your scars and cuts, so that another warrior can see what they are getting them selves into!!"

I thought a man today!! one man!! not to give up on his dream, not to stop doing what he know he was called and gifted to do!! 1 man!!! ONE MAN!!!

That one man!! if not called by another man, could of continued to walk his merry way, and not live to see the day his dreams would've been fulfilled...

That made my day!! it made up for all the disappointments and all the aches, and all the frustration!!

"I'll gladly do it again God...but make me stronger for the heavier challenges and trails...because i know they will come again! especially if i want to do it again!!"

"I've pressed on... as simple as it may look, i changed history in some big, yet small way!!...

YOU CAN TOO!"

Hilly thinkin'

The wind of pain, passed through the strands of my hair today! Blowing ever so heavily; almost cracking my skull with its trail! Even as it blew, it brought tears to my eyes, causing my concerned tears to run to dry hollow ground...

Hollow, parched ground that is filled with the tears of mothers expecting the death confirmation of their lost sons! Blood of the innocent souls that has crossed the keepers of death...death to minds, death to hearts, and death to life!

I deem it "Trade"...on this hill is where you can find the everyday ghetto living...strife, hustle, and the lost!!
But within the stench of rotting minds, dying hopes & shot dreams...life twinkles!

The trade is the most killing, but sometimes funny thing that you can witness...
It's like this...Black youth; sit a char-na, smoke ah joint...in pure bliss of the indo sites a thing ack-rass de road..."pssst....sisteren....wha gwan!!! (in loud, slurred language) yuh luk hott uh kno!...gimme ya num-ba nah!?

She looks across...looks right through him...turns her head again just in time to stick her hand out to the approaching van; destined for her stop, and the continuation of her ongoing life, steps in....and drives away...

"Ya dutty face ho!! shouting; i did-din wha ya n e way!!....

I often think what that look meant when girls give them!? But i found that out today...You see, when they turn, in the direction of the statement!!! they see...NOTHING!! yea..they see nothing! they know that they are hearing something... but when they turn to respond...they see nothingness in being, the emptiness of their mind, the non-existence of their future...so they appear..."invisible" to hopes eye!!

I'm sure most ladies can attest to that fact!!

Continuing on...Black youth, sits and Trades, stands and TRAdes, walks and TRADES!!! HE's PROMPT IN WAKING UP EVERY MORNING AND TRADING HIS PRICELESS SOUL, FOR WEED, SEX, AND FAST CASH!!!

WASTE!! WASTE!!! WASTE!!!!...can't they hear!! can't they hear the cries of those very souls that make up the ground that they walk on, the very souls that fought and died for their freedom, fought and died, and died and fought to free them of the shackles that they were destined to wear! Only to "TRADE" it for mental shackles...the worst kind of slavery...

KILL THE MIND!, but keep the body strong...

All demented, by false hopes, and farfetched dreams! only possible in the days and times of the low, red eyed wonderment and foggy thoughts of the "best time"...charred lips, that utter more NOTHINGNESS into the air, only to confuse and to offset...like the hazy winds they blow, from their lungs!!!

Blood runs hot again!!! even the cold, coagulated blood of ages past, RUNS HOT AGAIN!! boiling in anger & grief....

"ah las ba-ckle" they cry... "ah las ba-ckle, fu meh youth pun de char-na, he jus ah wait-en fu massa pick am h-up! all de fight me a fight...all meh blood wha run h-out h-am meh bady fuh me youth!!

AH LAS BA-CKLE!!!!

These are the thoughts i get, when i'm high on life, high on my future, high on..."de hill"...looking down on the valley of lost souls!!!....

Who's going to bring them home? Who's going to see them go right...i can tell you who...the bawling mothers would see them go "right" to the cemetery...where they're "home" to a lost eternity.

"Deh dere"

I'm about to tell you about a subject, her name in this report is "Deh dere"

"Deh dere" is the kind that would always be there despite what you do to her!

Ever since the first time i saw her, or should i say she saw me! with the ask of a name, she pleadged herself to me, without her master knowing.

Day after day, she's at her masters service...at his beck and call, without him saying a word, she'd provide what he needs, wants and desires!!!

But this master, is one that shows no love, no return of that stretching service, that he has noticed turned to love!!

The stiff master, guards his heart, face and feelings to give the "unloving" appearance to his undying servant, that he has never called for the job!

But his mistake, was to encourage! He encouraged her, telling her things that would make any woman come back! At least it were better than, silence!!

"Deh dere" is a common prototype in the Caribbean, madly in love with men that don't even look twice at them in public!! not to say that she isn't cute looking...she was once the talk of the town! Men would turn heads and break back, just to have her in their beds!

Now! she's laid waste to his on going "pay-not-attention-ism"...

But let's look at this holistically!! what are the thoughts of the master! Could he full out not want anything to with this seemingly "leechy" servant? or does he want to reach out to teach and nurture to have her change into an individual, for once in her troubled life!!

Maybe we'd never know, but one thing we do know...she "deh dere" no matter what the outcome!

Chronicle 2

Fresh to the mornings' wind!!

Realizing that i'm more relaxed, more in control, more...eased, since i've decided to return to homeland...or the semblance of it!

My thoughts are clearer, because i have un-cluttered my mind of all things...everything!! My only thoughts are thoughts of sleep...stillness...nothingness...blankness!? have i gone to another level of my demented thoughts? or i'm at a stage to reflect on things gone wrong, avenues to fix them, and buildings of achievement?

I'd prefer the later...

My intention today is to report my days of incident status, which is (2). I have gained delight in this, so i've decided to celebrate! "Better must come!" and i will keep a positive head to all the turmoil going on in my outside thoughts...yes you know what i'm talking about...the mind you have outside of your head...it's call "the world"

In it's existence, it has proven to influence the individual mind, and turn it against itself, with it's many fantasies & varieties & cultures and people...to take it and to feed it & feed it and feed it, until it can just process the crap of hopeless wonders & unfulfilled destinies.

The mind is greater & weaker than we think!

It is my intention today to crack that philosophy of weak minds, and to build a greater consciousness of stronger ones!

Join me my friends, join me in this great journey to wonder into the unknown, and to start believing in "FAITH" the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen!!

My task, is to gain "FAITH"...that which i believe will lead me to "KNOWLEDGE"...that which i believe will lead me to "UNDERSTANDING...that which i believe will lead me to "WISDOM"...

It is a long journey, but my first baby step, will lead to a gigantic achievement of wisdom!

What if?

Vast, the depth of my thoughts are unbearable!

They often trouble me, running wild in the brain, the core of all mishaps and glories

Control! What I don’t possess, something extraordinary like the brain has to have some sort of other influence to control!

If I were to use my brain to it’s fullest, I would possess myself and claim to be a god!

Because I would be driven to find out what makes me see, what causes me to hear? What causes me to breathe…

How can flesh cause flesh to make flesh?

What sort of being will enable mere flesh, to become the rulers of the earth?

Give them such power, that they would destroy themselves in their thrive for power over one another?

It must be a being that has to have all knowledge of what humans are capable of, because it is that being that gave us life!

To live life is but a choice of another!

Life? Choice? Are they equal?, or two different extremes?

Is life equal to choice, but what is choice? Is choice god?

Trapped

In comes you! A stranger to my voice, a sailor in my ship.

Amazed!! aren't you? at my seeming peace and joy!

Thrilled at my exciting features and concepts.

But little do you know! Little do you know of my darkness, of my past, little do you know of the many souls tied to my confusion, the souls that i've touched...

Yes! just like the way im touching yours, that want to break free from my loose, yet deadly grip.

You ask me, "why?, why do you do this?"

I reply "i'm just like you! victim to my own mind"

How could the blind lead the blind?

Just consider your self, just like the many other,

Lost?

No more?

Trapped!!, yes, trapped!!